I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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