Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
