Just fell off a train. Bad.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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