My friends, they love my intelligence
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize