Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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