my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
