I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
