So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
