I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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