just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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