Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Come back. Shots need mouths.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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