did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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