Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
