the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
