just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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