The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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