hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
