I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
