I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
