Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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