WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
