I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if only i could text you this smell
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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