She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
