This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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