2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
