i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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