i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?