I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
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Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
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Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!