haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
