Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
