is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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