ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
