I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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