How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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