I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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