i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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