Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
