Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
