Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
