My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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