What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
