Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You can't special order awesome
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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