He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
