I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
