Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
