I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
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I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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