Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
