all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
