and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
