the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
