I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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