i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
