Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
