he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
