its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
