she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
