at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
