my mouth tastes like poor choices
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
