get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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