I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
