I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
