i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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