he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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