im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
