I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
